


Expect Nothing

by SleeplessNightWithPhan



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: (very very minor), Alcohol, Angst, M/M, Minor Character Death, Post - breakup, There is a bit of fluff in there dw, mentions of wounds
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-20
Updated: 2017-11-20
Packaged: 2019-02-04 20:50:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,405
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12779253
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SleeplessNightWithPhan/pseuds/SleeplessNightWithPhan
Summary: Phil was expecting a restless sleep and lots of crying. He was expecting having to move on without his best friend and feeling lonely. He was expecting a life filled with regret and the question “‘what if?’.Phil wasn’t expecting a familiar figure crying on his bed.(But hey, life is full of surprises, isn’t it?)





	Expect Nothing

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much to Elizajane for helping me to continue writing this fic instead of just deleting it when I got stuck, and Kayla for making sure everything I had written was actually in English instead of some alien language. I love you both! <3
> 
> I have literally been writing this story since March/April, back when Humpty and Dumpty were still living in their old place, so imagine it taking place there (I was too lazy to change it all.)
> 
> I had already posted part of this as an attempt to write a chaptered fic, but I feel like it works better as a oneshot, so yeah. Here it is I guess?

At nine o’clock, Phil hesitantly opened the door to the apartment. Dan had told him that he should be done packing his stuff and on his way out by six, but he hadn’t actually built up the courage he needed to return until now.

He was scared to see the place half empty, no proof left behind that there were once two men living their lives together in there, being very much in love.

He wouldn’t be able to wear one of Dan’s jumpers at night anymore when he was feeling lonely, wouldn’t be able to go into Dan’s bedroom and be reminded of all the good things that happened in their relationship (even though Dan’s bedroom had unofficially become the spare bedroom a long time ago, it was filled with little things that made it distinctly ‘Dan’.)

Nothing left behind to remind him of making dinner together after a long day of work, which would always end up in them almost destroying their kitchen. Nothing to remind him of sitting on the carpet in their hallway beside his boyfriend, talking him through another existential crisis.

Nothing to remind him of the smiles, the tears, the fights, the making up, the ups-and-downs. Feeling alive, the exhilarating knowledge that no matter what happened, Dan would always be right beside him: being able to take on the world together.

Seeing the apartment half empty would make everything real. It would force him to accept the fact that Dan had moved on, and he had left Phil a broken mess.

Having felt sad, lonely and scared all day thinking of what he had to face when he came back home (it felt strange having to refer to a place without Dan as ‘home’), Phil just wanted to go to his bed and fall asleep, tired out by constantly worrying about his future and missing his best friend.

He was so lost in thoughts that he failed to realise that there was another set of keys on the table in their hallway when he emptied his pockets on there. He was oblivious to the fact that the lights were still on, even though Dan always turned them off when he left (quite a few arguments had started with Phil forgetting to do so). He didn’t notice the boxes in the hallway that hadn’t been there when he left the place to go out earlier that day.

It wasn’t until he walked into the bedroom and saw a familiar figure sitting on the bed, crying his eyes out, that he realised that Dan hadn’t left yet.

 

*******

 

Phil just stood in the door frame, staring at his past lover.

His first reaction was to run away, leave the apartment again and come back after a few hours. Phil never was one for confrontations, always wanting to do everything he could to make everybody happy. He hated awkward meetings, discussions, or fights -  usually opting to avoid them altogether.

But then again, this was Dan they were talking about. The man he had known for years now.  The man he witnessed growing up from an awkward, starstruck boy who managed to grab his attention on the internet, into a confident, beautiful adult. The man he fell in love with, and even though they broke up, he still felt his heart beginning to beat faster when he looked at him.

So no, Phil could definitely not leave him here alone.

He decided to take a step into the room and softly knock on the open door, as to not startle Dan. However, he didn’t acknowledge Phil at all, but just kept his face buried in his hands and continued to sob.

Phil tried again, knocking on the door a bit louder, and when Dan still didn’t seem to have heard him, he decided to speak up.

“Dan…why are you still here? Why are you crying?” he asked with utmost carefulness in his voice, as if he were trying to approach a young animal in the woods.

Finally, Dan had noticed him. He lifted his head up to see who had walked into the room, but when he saw it was Phil, he quickly looked away and tried to hide his face with his hands again.

“Please, don’t look at me like this. I’ll leave in a bit. I’ll let you continue with your life without me, I’ll go away, just… give me a minute, please.” He spoke, words becoming nearly incomprehensible through the layer of hands and the result of crying.

Even if Phil was to ignore the state he had found Dan in, the words he used didn’t help to assure him that Dan was alright. It sounded almost as if he thought that Phil hated him. If only he knew…

They had decided to break up a month and a half ago, but it was a long time coming. They had found themselves fighting with one another more and more often, most of the times over trivial things they couldn’t even remember afterwards.

Dan had started to get more and more guarded again, seemingly not wanting anybody to see how he felt, putting up an act. It was as if current Dan had switched places with the 2012 version of himself.

This shift in behaviour had caused Phil to have to be extremely careful around his boyfriend, picking every word he said with care, constantly walking on eggshells. And even then, there always was something Phil had apparently done or said wrong.

Their final night together, Phil had decided that he had had enough. He wanted an explanation for Dan’s sudden change, he wanted to stop feeling like Dan was a ticking time bomb that could explode at any time. So he had gathered all of his courage, and went up to Dan to express his concerns.

“Dan, can we talk for a minute, please?” Phil had said while taking a seat on the couch. It was apparent in his the shaking of his voice that he was very nervous and even a bit scared, but he knew that this was something he needed to do.

“There is something that’s been… bothering me, I guess? And I just wanted to discuss it with you.”

Dan, who had been busy on his laptop, sighed, put the laptop away and turned to Phil. “What’s wrong?” he said, sounding annoyed with Phil.

Oh great, this had gotten off to an amazing start.

Taking a deep breath, Phil ignored the small voice in the back of his head that was screaming not to do this. They couldn’t go on like this.

“I…I don’t really like the way you’re acting lately. It’s constantly making me feel like I’ve done something wrong, and I don’t want to have to worry about that all the time,” he had said with all the courage he could muster, looking down at his hands.

“What do you mean, the way I have been acting? I haven’t been acting any different. What has gotten into your head?” Dan spoke, raising his voice just a little bit, but enough to make Phil want to back out of this.

But Phil knew that he couldn’t. He had to do this.

“I just… I constantly feel like you’re shutting me out, you’re not talking to me anymore. We’re always fighting about nothing, and it’s been making me feel like you’re superior to me.

Phil started playing pulling on a loose thread on the bottom of his shirt, anything to avoid making eye contact.

“And, I just, I don’t want that, I want us both to be equal in this relationship. We used to have that, but I… I feel like we don’t anymore. I just want what we used to have.”

That, apparently, hadn’t been what Dan wanted to hear.

“I have been shutting you out? What do you mean, I have been shutting you out? I have been acting superior to you? Phil, those are lies!”

Dan had started properly shouting at this point, something Phil hated. He crawled away into the corner of the couch, but that didn’t seem to stop Dan from fully blowing his lid.

“I have never,  _never_  acted superior to you! If anything, you’re the one who has acted superior to me! Always expecting me to tell you everything, acting like you’re the only one who knows how to handle things, but guess what?! I’m an adult as well! I can deal with my own shit, and I don’t need you to baby me!”

“I’ve never done anything but try to help you, Dan! I was trying to be a good boyfriend! Why are you getting mad at me about that?!” Phil started crying at this point, out of frustration and anger, not knowing what he did wrong.

But Dan never answered the question, instead collapsing onto the couch and starting to sob as well.

Phil, out of habit, tried to wipe away his tears and go over to Dan, hold him and calm him down. He moved over to sit down next to Dan, and put his hand on Dan’s shoulder.

Dan’s reaction, however, wasn’t what he had been expecting, not at all. Instead of accepting his embrace, he pushed Phil away, hard enough to making him fall to the ground, and began screaming again.

“You see, Phil?? That’s what I mean! You  _always_  have to baby me, act like I’m a child! I’m not anymore, I’m 26 years old for fuck’s sake! And you, you just, you don’t  _listen_  when I tell you not to!”

They both stared intensely at each other for a moment, trying to calm down, before Dan stood up and started walking away. Phil was still laying on the floor, in shock over the fact that Dan, his Dan, had actually pushed him.

But he did still hear the words Phil had always hoped he would never have to hear come from Dan’s mouth.

“This isn’t working anymore. _We’re over_.”

 

*******

 

Everything after that was a hazy mess clouded with tears, his brain struggling to understand what was going on.

Phil couldn’t remember getting up, didn’t remember moving around. Somehow he ended up banging on Dan’s locked door, begging to be let in, begging to be given a second chance.

Dan hadn’t let him in, hadn’t talked to him, hadn’t acknowledged him at all.

In the end, they had gone into their separate rooms, not sleeping in the same bed for the first time in years. Phil just lied there and stared at the ceiling, listening to any sounds that might be coming from the next room.

Eventually, Phil had fallen into a restless sleep, vaguely aware of the sounds of someone packing a suitcase coming from the other bedroom.

By the time he woke up, he was alone in the apartment.

That’s when he fell apart.

Phil had spent the first week in their – no, his - bedroom, crying the entire day, lacking the energy to do anything. He usually was full of joy, but apparently that part of him had left together with Dan.

He had lied awake at night, thinking about every possible way that he might have been able to save their relationship. Yes, they had been very busy over the last few years, and yes, they hadn’t been spending as much time with one another as they used to, working on separate projects a little more. But it wasn’t as if they never saw each other anymore, they still spend most of their time together, nothing had happened that seemed big enough to cause Dan’s behaviour to change so much.

Should he have noticed it earlier? Was there a very obvious reason for Dan’s behaviour that Phil had managed to miss completely? Was there anything he could have done differently?

He came up without an answer every time.

Dan, on the other hand, didn’t seem to have been sad for a long time after their break-up. Phil hadn’t been able to make himself turn off the notifications for Dan on all his social media until three weeks afterwards, and the pictures and tweets he had still been notified about had shown him that Dan was doing just fine without him.

The Dan currently sitting in front of him didn’t even remotely resemble the Dan he had seen in pictures from those three weeks.

It was then that Phil spotted a bottle laying next to Dan on the bed. He couldn’t make out what the label said from where he stood, but he had a feeling it wasn’t just a bottle of water. Upon further inspection, he noticed that it was completely empty – that could explain at least part of Dan’s behaviour.

“Dan, have you really drank an entire bottle of alcohol on your own?” he asked, slowly stepping closer to the bed, sitting down far enough from Dan as to not make him run out of the room.

“I did, but it was nearly empty anyway. I’m not completely drunk if that’s what you’re thinking.” The tears had stopped falling out of his eyes, Dan had removed his hands from his face once again and was staring at the carpet at his feet.  “I just… needed it, I guess.”

“And why is that?”

“I…I…I…” Dan tried to respond, but instead he started bawling his eyes out again, and throwing his arms around Phil’s neck, pulling him closer and nestling his head into the crook of Phil’s neck, soaking his shirt with his tears.

Phil just held Dan in his arms, caressing his back and allowing him to cry, keeping him safe and warm.

It brought back memories of all the times he used to do exactly that, comforting Dan and guarding him  from whatever it was that was haunting him. How he was the first person Dan would come to when he felt sad, lonely, or doubtful. When negative comments on his videos got to him, or even just when he was exhausted from a long day of work, Phil was there for him.

They would cuddle for hours if needed, not saying anything, the feeling of being in Phil’s arms enough to calm Dan down and bring a smile back onto his face.

Here they were, in the exact same position they had been in so many times over the years, but everything felt different. Phil was once again reminded of how much things had changed. This time, Phil somehow was the reason Dan needed protection and consolation. He was the one who caused this, and he had no idea how to make Dan smile again.

Sitting here like that also brought back those painful memories, reminding of the last time they’d been in this situation, and how Dan had gotten angry with him for trying to console him. How he had pushed Phil away, breaking up with him only minutes later.

He tried to blink away the tears he started to feel building in his own eyes, holding onto Dan out of selfish reasons, trying not to fall apart himself.

He needed this just as much a Dan seemed to need it.

After a while, he noticed that Dan had stopped crying and his breathing had evened out. Pulling him away from his neck a bit, Phil saw that Dan’s eyes were shut and his face looked peaceful with just a hint of sadness; he had fallen asleep.

Given the fact that Dan had most likely been just as exhausted as him, Phil really didn’t have it in him to wake him up and make him collect all of his stuff. They would hopefully talk about what had happened tomorrow morning, but for now, they both just needed to rest.

He quickly moved Dan around so he was properly laid down in bed, tucking him in and making sure he was comfortable.

Not being able to resist, Phil brushed Dan’s hair out of his face, caressed his cheek, and softly placed a kiss on his forehead, before leaving the room to go sleep in the spare bedroom.  

The soft smile that formed on Dan’s face after the kiss went unnoticed by Phil.

 

*******

 

_**Phil** _

_**I’m so sorry about last night. I didn’t mean to trouble you in any way at all.  I don’t know why exactly I thought that drinking half a bottle of vodka would help me accomplish that goal, but apparently, I did.** _

_**I will ask Louise if she can come by sometime next week and pick up my stuff for me. I’d hate for me to trouble you anymore than I already have.** _

_**Thank you for allowing me one last night in our your apartment, you really are the kindest soul to ever roam the earth, and you deserve so much more than what I was able to give you.** _

_**I truly wish you all the best, and I hope you find the love of your life soon, so you can finally become happy.** _

_**Again, sorry for last night. I won’t be giving you any more trouble ever again.** _

_**Just… thank you, I guess.** _

_**Now go and have a happy live.** _

_**Dan** _

 

_******* _

 

No. No no no no no. This wasn’t happening. This was not allowed to happen.

Phil had woken up the next morning, feeling quite optimistic. He was hoping that Dan had been able to get a good night sleep, and they’d be able to sit down and discuss what had happened the night before - why Phil had found Dan drunk and crying in his old bedroom. He had been hoping to at least get some closure, an explanation on why Dan had behaved to strange in their last months together.

Now that they had spent some time apart, and after seeing Dan being so miserable the night before, Phil was actually feeling like this time, Dan might actually tell him.

That was, until Phil walked into the bedroom to see it empty, bed being made, and a note left behind.

Reading it, he felt himself getting angrier and angrier at every word he read, his blood starting to boil.

So, Dan had just decided to run away again? Leave Phil with all the questions he had? Send Louise to pick up his stuff in order to not have to see him again?

And as if that wasn’t enough, tell Phil that he deserved better than Dan? That he hoped Phil would find the love of his life soon?

Fuming with anger, Phil crumbled up the note and put it in his pocket.

He had already found him. He had found his true love. And there was no way that Phil was going to let him run away a second time.

So Phil did what he decided he should have done the first time already. He took his phone, keys and wallet, put on a coat and walked out of the house. He was going to find Dan and finally talk to him.

Dan wasn’t getting away again.

Not like this.

Once Phil had pulled close the door of his apartment behind him, he realised that he had no idea where to start looking first.

He tried to call Dan and talk to him, but it went straight to voicemail, so Phil presumed that Dan had either turned his phone off, or it had run out of battery (given the fact that Dan had spent the night at their apartment, and Phil hadn’t thought to plug in his phone overnight).

In the end, he just started walking down the road, hoping to find some inspiration.

The last thing he heard, Dan has been spending a few days at his parent’s house, but that had been right after they broke up, and he doubted that would be where he still was.

(Not that Dan didn’t love his family very much, he just always valued his independence, and he didn’t want to feel like he was bothering anybody.)

Maybe Dan had been staying over at a friend’s house? Or he had found a new place to live?

By the time he decided he should try and call some of their friends, Phil had made his way to a small park and sat down on a bench. If anything, Dan might have been in contact with some of them, or maybe one of them could help in his search. Trying was the least he could do.

Bryony hadn’t seen Dan since before the break-up, but she promised to let Phil know if she heard anything from him.

PJ had let Dan stay over at his place for a few days, but that was two weeks ago, and Dan had taken off without telling him where he was going. (PJ did end up talking to him for an hour, allowing Phil to vent, express his worries, and calm down. PJ also promised to keep an eye and ear out for Dan.)

He even reluctantly called Dan’s mum, but that only ended up in making her worry about her son. It might not have been the best idea Phil had had today (but hey, he was desperate).

After Phil hung up the phone for the fifth time, he could feel his eyes starting to water, but he tried to blink the tears away, refusing to cry over this in public.

Why was Dan making it so hard for him to be found? What had he been thinking when he wrote that stupid note? Why did he say that Phil deserved better than him?

Phil honestly couldn’t imagine ‘someone better’. Sure, Dan had his flaws. Yes, Dan could be stubborn, he could be lost in his existential crisis for days, or never believe anything he did was good enough. He could be incredibly loud, but also incredibly quiet and shy. He was unpredictable.

But all of that made him incredibly ‘Dan’. Incredibly familiar. Their relationship had always been easy, it had always felt natural for them to be together, as friends and later on as lovers. They balanced each other out perfectly.

The sky has slowly begun to get darker and darker while Phil had been sitting in the park, and he could feel little drops of water beginning to hit him.

It almost felt like the clouds were mocking him.

Sighing, Phil slipped his hands into his pockets to protect them from the cold weather, when his fingers skimmed a piece of paper.

Dan’s note. He still had it on him.

He pulled it out and started to read it again, trying to find any clue on where Dan could be.

And Jesus, how could Phil have been that stupid?

I will ask Louise if she can come by sometime next week and pick up my stuff for me.

Louise. Of course. Phil had completely forgotten to call Louise, when she was the most obvious person to know where Dan was.

Louise must know where Dan was.

Quickly, Phil dialed her number, and held his breath as he heard the phone going off.

First ring. Second. Third. Fourth.

He was almost afraid that she wouldn’t pick up the phone.

“Hello, Louise speaking.” Phil’s heart skipped a beat when he finally heard the familiar voice.

“Louise, it’s Phil here. Listen, I-” he got out before Louise interrupted him.

“Oh, hi Phil! How have you been? I haven’t heard from either of you guys in months, we need to get together sometime!” Louise told him cheerfully, as if nothing was wrong.

Phil felt as if he just stepped into a cold shower. She hadn’t heard from either one of them in months… surely that must mean that she had no idea what had happened.

“Louise… have you heard anything from Dan these last few weeks? Anything at all?” He asked, desperate for any sort of news, but he already knew what she was going to say.

“Dan? No, I haven’t heard from him since the last time we went out together? Why, is something wrong with him? Are you alright?” She asked, sounding worried.

“He is… we didn’t…he went…” is all that Phil managed to say, before he fell apart.

If he hadn’t already been sitting on a bench, he was sure he would have collapsed onto the floor. Tears started rolling out of his eyes, mixing with the raindrops already covering his cheeks. He managed to hang up the phone with what seemed like his last bit of energy left.

No, he wasn’t alright. He was far from being alright. He felt completely exhausted. He was tired of looking for Dan, tired of trying to make things right, tired of having to make such an effort.

But also tired of not having Dan around to make everything better, tired of missing Dan, tired of feeling like he did something wrong and not knowing what it was.

He really needed to find Dan.

He doesn’t know how long he sat there on the bench, lost in his thoughts. It could have been 10 minutes, could have been an hour, could have been multiple days for all he knew.

When he was slowly beginning to calm down a bit, he noticed that the that the rain had stopped pouring down and completely soaking him, and instead had subseded into a light fall of small water droplets you had to pay close attention to to notice. He was also hearing a sound he couldn’t quite put into place right now, one that was slightly confusing him; what kind of weird bird made those noises?

It took him a few seconds to realise that the weird sound was his phone ringing, but once he did, he immediately fought to pull it out of his pockets (when did he even put it in there?), hoping it would be PJ or Dan’s mum (or even Dan himself, but the odds were not really in his favour today).

This enthusiasm and wishful thinking was why he felt a wave of disappointment and sadness crashing over him when he saw it was an unknown number.

“Stop pretending he’ll come back, Phil. You messed up, you don’t really know how, but you obviously messed up. He’s not coming back.” He thought to himself, putting the phone to his ear and answering subconsciously.

An unfamiliar male voice that came through pulled him back to reality quickly.

“Mr. Lester? My name is Elyas Basheera, I’m a nurse at the Royal London Hospital. I’m calling you in regards to a patient that was just admitted, Daniel James Howell.” The man spoke.

“Hospital… Dan? But, what… how…what? Is Dan alright? What happened?” Phil stuttered out. Suddenly, it was getting hard to breathe, the air not quite seeming to reach his lungs, his head starting to spin.

Dan, in hospital. This couldn’t mean anything good.

“Mr. Lester, are you still there? Are you alright?” The voice came through the phone again. Phil was vaguely aware of the man giving him an answer, but with his thoughts going a hundred miles per hour, he hadn’t paid attention to what he had said.

“I’m sorry, I wasn’t really listening. What were you saying, sir?”

The man made an understanding noise before repeating himself. His job probably involved a lot of dealing with people who were reacting very emotional.

“I said that Mr. Howell was found in South London, collapsed on the ground. He seems to have suffered a head wound, and we also suspect he has had one too many drinks. He was brought in here in order to receive medical attention, but he’s in a stable condition at the moment. Since you’re his emergency contact, we would like to invite you to come to the hospital as well.” The nurse spoke calmly, trying to reassure Phil of the fact that everything was allright.

Phil doesn’t think he ever ran to get a taxi faster in his life.

 

*******

 

Hospitals were something Phil had never taken a liking to.

His earliest memories of them was visiting a distant relative, he hadn’t really known who it was, a cousin of his father or something like that. The man had just received chemotherapy, and Phil clearly remembers how poorly he looked, as if he were a ghost just hanging to his body by a small thread.

Considering the fact that the man had passed away just a few weeks later, he might as well have been.

Every hospital visit ever since, he’s been confronted with people who were trying to battle for their life, people who were grieving, crying, feeling the absolute worst they could. People who were doing anything but being happy. Being the optimistic, happy guy he always was, he didn’t really know how to deal with it.

But here he was, walking down a hallway, passing by rooms that all held people with their own struggles, their own worries and sadness.

And Phil couldn’t care less about any of them.

The only thing he cared about was reaching room 215, the room he was told Dan was currently in. He was almost running down the corridors, trying to reach him as fast as possible.

But when he was almost there, he stopped. 5 steps separating him from being able to walk in the room and hold Dan close, but he had to stop.

What would he even say? Dan obviously didn’t want to see him anymore, wanted to stay as far away from him as possible. He had somehow hurt Dan, even though he never intended to, and he didn’t know how or why.

Should he even be here? Should he just waltz right back into Dan’s life, while he had made it so obvious he didn’t want him anymore? Should he be so selfish and force Dan to talk to him, just so that Phil could feel better?

He was seriously considering walking out of the hospital and asking Dan’s mum to go pick him up, when a nurse walked out of the room. Upon seeing Phil stood in the hallway, she smiled at him.

“Mr. Lester, I presume?” she spoke with a soft, calming voice. “Mr. Howell is just in this room, but he is asleep at the moment. You can go in, but don’t wake him up. He’ll need all the rest he can get in the next few days. The doctor will come in in a few hours, and he’ll most likely be allowed to go home then.” she told him before walking away and disappearing into another room.

Hearing that Dan was asleep helped to calm Phil’s nerves a bit, and he took the last few steps and entered the room.

Taking a deep breath, Phil walked over to the chair standing next to the bed, avoiding to look at Dan for a moment. Sitting down, he took another deep breath before finally allowing himself to look at the figure in the bed.

Head bandage. IV. Hospital gown. A few scratches, bruises and bandages. The wounds weren’t as bad as Phil had feared they might have been.

It was Dan’s expression that surprised him more than anything.

Asleep, Dan usually looked calm, peaceful, all his worries that haunted him during the day disappeared from his face. Even when he was sick or stressed, sleep never failed to make him look young, careless and innocent.

But right now, even sleep didn’t manage to fully erase the pain and the hurt from his face. It wasn’t obvious, barely even there, but Phil still noticed it. Dan was hurt.

They were both hurt.

Phil took hold of Dan’s hand, and lost every sense of time.

When Dan was woken up a few hours later to get his final check up done, Phil never left the room, just kept looking at Dan. Dan didn’t object to him being there, didn’t even acknowledge it. He just walked along with Phil out of the hospital after being told by the doctor to take things slow for a few weeks.

Not really knowing where else to go, Phil told the taxi driver the address of their apartment, and the two of them remained silent throughout the journey, even though there were so many things Phil wanted to ask.

They could wait. He first needed to make sure that Dan was alright.

 

*******

 

Once they had arrived at the apartment, they made their way over to the lounge. But Dan kept hovering awkwardly in the doorway, not seeming to know what was acceptable or not.

Sighing, Phil decided to put aside the questions that were floating in his head, begging to be answered. They couldn’t have a proper conversation when Dan was feeling this on edge, he needed to calm him down first.

He went to the kitchen to get them both a cup of tea, and when he came back, Dan was sitting on the couch, staring at the floor in between his legs. Upon hearing Phil entering the room again, he looked up, and Phil swore he saw a shadow of a smile on his face, before he turned his face back to stare at the floor again.

“I really don’t get why you would still want to see me after everything I did to you.” Dan laughed, but there was no amusement in his voice. “Damn, I fucked it up really bad, didn’t I?”

Phil sat down next to Dan, put the cups of tea on the coffee table, and turned his body so he faced Dan.

This was it. This was he’s been wanting to do for weeks now. This is why he had tried so hard to find Dan.

To get an explanation. To ask what he did wrong.

“Dan, could you tell me -”

“I found the ring.”

“- what I did… what?”

If Phil wasn’t fully lost for words before, he was now.

“Ring? What ring? What are you talking about? I didn’t - “ Phil said, before he finally caught onto what Dan was talking about.

The ring.

The ring Phil had seen in a shop one day, more than a year ago, and it reminded him so much of Dan that he couldn’t not buy it.

The ring that had been hidden in his sock drawer ever since, waiting for the perfect moment, and where is probably still was now, because Phil had completely forgotten about it after everything that had happened in their lives since.

The ring Phil was going to use to make Dan his forever.

Dan’s voice sounded like he was on the brink of crying again. “Yeah. The ring.”

“But, why? I don’t understand? What does you finding the ring have to do with this?” Phil was utterly confused at this point.

Dan turned to look Phil in the eyes, trying to be brave, but Phil could still see how scared he was.

“Because, a ring, and what you were going to use it for, has so much that comes with it. Marriage is something for adults, people who have got their life together, people who know what they’re doing. Not people like me. People who are relying on medications to get them through the day, people who have no idea what they’re doing with their lives, people who are in so many ways still needy children.”

Once again, tears were making their way out of Dan’s eyes, but Dan didn’t seem to notice that.

“I found the ring, and I was up in the clouds at first, because I really wanted it. But then I realised that I wasn’t worthy of marriage, wasn’t worthy of you proposing to me, I had to fully grow up first. But whenever I tried to act like a proper adult, I did something wrong, and I ended up pushing you away. I couldn’t stand to see you waste your time on me anymore, so I had to let you go to find someone you deserve.”

Somewhere along Dan’s little speech, Phil had started to cry as well.

Some part of him wanted to smack Dan Howell right in the face. Because how dare he think he’s not good enough for him.

How dare he think he has to change even the slightest thing about himself in order to ‘deserve’ marriage.

Instead of telling Dan all of this, he pulled him into his arms, and he didn’t intend to ever let him go again. Dan went very willingly, and slotted his head in the crook of Phil’s neck immediately.

Dan had missed him too, and this meant the world to Phil.

“I would never want you to change anything about yourself,” he muttered into Dan’s neck. “ I wouldn’t have bought the ring if I wasn’t fully in love with every last part of you. You’re just as much of an adult as I am, there is no reason why you wouldn’t deserve marriage. And if there’s any other reason why you left me, if I hurt you in any way whatsoever, then I’m still allowing you to go, but if that’s the only reason you walked out, then please come back. We’re both hurting, I need you.”

Phil pulled back a little bit to look Dan in the eyes, but still kept him safe in his arms. Dan smiled softly at Phil, his eyes filled with tears and joy at the same time.

“There is no way you could hurt me, it’s all me. But I need you too, I’ve been miserable on my own, and I still very much want you.”

Very gently, Phil pressed his lips to Dan’s, and immediately felt his heart skip a beat. He’d missed the softness so much, the way their lips moved together with such familiarity.

Kissing Dan again felt like coming home.

Pulling away reluctantly, he couldn’t help but start to smile widely, seeing Dan doing the same thing.

“Good, because you still have me.”

 

*******

 

The ring stayed safe in the sock drawer after that, both of them needing to heal, needing to work on their relationship again. They weren’t ready for it yet.

The two of them went through a lot, and there would undoubtedly be a lot they still had to go through.

But the ring would come out of it’s hiding place eventually. Maybe in a year, maybe two, maybe in a month. Phil didn’t know when. And he honestly couldn’t care less.

Because when he woke up in the morning, and got to see the early sunlight reflecting off of Dan’s sleeping face, there was nothing else he needed.

**Author's Note:**

> Any feedback, kudos or comments are greatly appreciated and basically make me happy all day long.
> 
> I've also got a Tumblr over [here](http://sleeplessnightwithphan.tumblr.com) :)  
>  
> 
> Thank you for stopping by ^^


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